Nidal in a Haystack

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Major Nidal Hasan, who killed 13 and wounded more than two dozen others at Fort Hood last week, is reportedly paralyzed from the waist down owing to the multiple gunshots which ended his bloody rampage.

Meanwhile, the Major's attorney is filing papers to receive funds with which Hasan can hire his own private investigator, proving that even if the 72 virgins are safe, Hasan is still fully capable of screwing taxpayers.